Friday, January 24, 2014
Thursday, March 10, 2011
ORE IDA BAGEL BITES THREE CHEESE
First things first, FUCK YEAH BAGEL BITES.
After spending ten minutes getting chatted up by the man who runs the bodega across the street (hi Marshall), I came home with a 9-piece box of the most ingenious invention ever invented.
Seriously, think about it: You come home drunk in the middle of the night, stumbling and rambling, your stomach screaming for attention, your brain craving the most holy of all foods (FUCKING PIZZA, BRO). Oh, but hey, by the way, the nearest pizza joint closed two hours ago. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO THEN, MAN? That's right. You're going to get into that freezer, tear open a box of these bad boys, and PUT THEM IN THE OVEN AT 450 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT FOR APPROXIMATELY 10 MINUTES, DEPENDING ON ELEVATION. Then you're going to sink your slimy, yellowed teeth into their soft, cushiony bread, squealing with simultaneous joy and pain as the THREE CHEESE top layer bursts in your mouth, a gush of scalding tomato sauce erupting from its gooey threshold (yeah, I just came, too).
BAGEL BITES have always been there for me, and I will forever be indebted to their fantastic, packaged, sexy flavor. Washing it all down with a tall glass of DIET COKE. I'm taking bets as to how long before the tumors start showing up on my brain.
A+
After spending ten minutes getting chatted up by the man who runs the bodega across the street (hi Marshall), I came home with a 9-piece box of the most ingenious invention ever invented.
Seriously, think about it: You come home drunk in the middle of the night, stumbling and rambling, your stomach screaming for attention, your brain craving the most holy of all foods (FUCKING PIZZA, BRO). Oh, but hey, by the way, the nearest pizza joint closed two hours ago. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO THEN, MAN? That's right. You're going to get into that freezer, tear open a box of these bad boys, and PUT THEM IN THE OVEN AT 450 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT FOR APPROXIMATELY 10 MINUTES, DEPENDING ON ELEVATION. Then you're going to sink your slimy, yellowed teeth into their soft, cushiony bread, squealing with simultaneous joy and pain as the THREE CHEESE top layer bursts in your mouth, a gush of scalding tomato sauce erupting from its gooey threshold (yeah, I just came, too).
BAGEL BITES have always been there for me, and I will forever be indebted to their fantastic, packaged, sexy flavor. Washing it all down with a tall glass of DIET COKE. I'm taking bets as to how long before the tumors start showing up on my brain.
A+
SABRITAS PIZZEROLAS
While taking a bar patio smoke break last night, I heard "Dude, let's do some blow!" coming from somewhere to my left. I found the perpetrator and yelled HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME, or something equally aggressive. I don't know exactly where I'm going with this story, besides pointing out that I got recognised as the Food Blog Girl in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere. So thank you, random dude whose name and face I don't remember, this entry is dedicated to you (email me!):
With my mini pizzas in the oven, i opened up a bag of PIZZEROLAS chips as a little appetizer. That's right, za before za.
So, these shits are OK. They are super crunchy, so I definitely won't be calling the quality control 800 number on the bag. They don't taste like so much like pizza as they do like weird vegan mexican food. Not disgusting, but also not worthy of the name PIZZEROLAS. Soperolas, maybe.
I probably won't be buying these again any time soon. PIZZEROLAS, consider yourself forgotten before I opened the bag.
C
With my mini pizzas in the oven, i opened up a bag of PIZZEROLAS chips as a little appetizer. That's right, za before za.
So, these shits are OK. They are super crunchy, so I definitely won't be calling the quality control 800 number on the bag. They don't taste like so much like pizza as they do like weird vegan mexican food. Not disgusting, but also not worthy of the name PIZZEROLAS. Soperolas, maybe.
I probably won't be buying these again any time soon. PIZZEROLAS, consider yourself forgotten before I opened the bag.
C
Sunday, March 6, 2011
GIRL SCOUTS OF AMERICA SAMOAS COOKIES
As if there weren't enough heart attack-inducing substances swimming around my insides right now, I went ahead and opened up this box of SAMOAS. Look at this girl trying to capitalise on capitalism:
I am a big fan of playing with my food, so I put these shits on and went to town. My thumbs are too fat to fit the cookies on them (perhaps a sign I shouldn't be eating them) but look GRRRR I'M SO FRIGHTENING.
Now, I've obviously had Samoas before, but every fucking time one goes into my mouth it's like my DEVIRGINISING all over again. I imagine that when I get to heaven, I will be able to take a bite out of a cloud and it will TASTE LIKE FUCKING SAMOAS.
Greatest cookie ever made.
A+++++++++ fast shipping will eat again.
I am a big fan of playing with my food, so I put these shits on and went to town. My thumbs are too fat to fit the cookies on them (perhaps a sign I shouldn't be eating them) but look GRRRR I'M SO FRIGHTENING.
Now, I've obviously had Samoas before, but every fucking time one goes into my mouth it's like my DEVIRGINISING all over again. I imagine that when I get to heaven, I will be able to take a bite out of a cloud and it will TASTE LIKE FUCKING SAMOAS.
Greatest cookie ever made.
A+++++++++ fast shipping will eat again.
ANNIE'S HOMEGROWN ORGANIC SHELLS & WHITE CHEDDAR
I had just taken a huge dump, so my stomach was crying and I had just the thing. ANNIE'S HOMEGROWN ORGANIC SHELLS & WHITE CHEDDAR.
This is the cheese sauce. It SMELLS LIKE FUCKING FEET.
If it tastes half as feety as it smells, I will be impressed.
I am severely lactose intolerant, and even with a lactase pill, I am still going to BLOW A HOLE through the fucking toilet tonight. This shit better be worth it.
SHIT TASTES FUCKING BLAND. I had to add about eight pounds of butter, two cups of garlic powder, and the pepper from six hundred vines in order to make this shit even remotely flavorful. And I'm not even stoned. Seriously, how gross does this shit look?
Fuck you, ANNIE'S HOMEGROWN. You should change your name to Annie's Shit Grown.
Not worth the eighty dollars I'm going to have to pay the poor plumber to fix my toilet after I digest this crap.
D+
This is the cheese sauce. It SMELLS LIKE FUCKING FEET.
If it tastes half as feety as it smells, I will be impressed.
I am severely lactose intolerant, and even with a lactase pill, I am still going to BLOW A HOLE through the fucking toilet tonight. This shit better be worth it.
SHIT TASTES FUCKING BLAND. I had to add about eight pounds of butter, two cups of garlic powder, and the pepper from six hundred vines in order to make this shit even remotely flavorful. And I'm not even stoned. Seriously, how gross does this shit look?
Fuck you, ANNIE'S HOMEGROWN. You should change your name to Annie's Shit Grown.
Not worth the eighty dollars I'm going to have to pay the poor plumber to fix my toilet after I digest this crap.
D+
Saturday, March 5, 2011
TURBOS FLAMAS
WELCOME TO THE FIRST INSTALLMENT of WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING INTO MY MOUTH for my first review, i have purchased a bag of TURBOS FLAMAS:
i had a hankering for TAKIS FUEGO but the stupid bodega was out of them so i got some knockoffs instead:
still better than like fritos but seriously nowhere near as delicious as TAKIS. first of all, the little curlicues are not as crunchy. second, they taste more like garlic than fucking FLAMES. the flavor is not as intense as TAKIS.
C-
i had a hankering for TAKIS FUEGO but the stupid bodega was out of them so i got some knockoffs instead:
still better than like fritos but seriously nowhere near as delicious as TAKIS. first of all, the little curlicues are not as crunchy. second, they taste more like garlic than fucking FLAMES. the flavor is not as intense as TAKIS.
C-
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