After spending ten minutes getting chatted up by the man who runs the bodega across the street (hi Marshall), I came home with a 9-piece box of the most ingenious invention ever invented.
Seriously, think about it: You come home drunk in the middle of the night, stumbling and rambling, your stomach screaming for attention, your brain craving the most holy of all foods (FUCKING PIZZA, BRO). Oh, but hey, by the way, the nearest pizza joint closed two hours ago. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO THEN, MAN? That's right. You're going to get into that freezer, tear open a box of these bad boys, and PUT THEM IN THE OVEN AT 450 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT FOR APPROXIMATELY 10 MINUTES, DEPENDING ON ELEVATION. Then you're going to sink your slimy, yellowed teeth into their soft, cushiony bread, squealing with simultaneous joy and pain as the THREE CHEESE top layer bursts in your mouth, a gush of scalding tomato sauce erupting from its gooey threshold (yeah, I just came, too).
BAGEL BITES have always been there for me, and I will forever be indebted to their fantastic, packaged, sexy flavor. Washing it all down with a tall glass of DIET COKE. I'm taking bets as to how long before the tumors start showing up on my brain.
A+
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